Divorce is always a heavy traumatic situation. Both women and men experience the collapse of the family rather painful. Of course, much depends on how significant relations for partners were, who became the initiator of parting, which events were preceded by a decision to divorce.
The psychology of the divorce is largely reminiscent of the psychology of loss, loss. And the state of a person will change according to a certain psychological sequence. Survive the divorce will be easier if you know exactly how to facilitate your emotional state.
Psychological recovery stages
Divorce changes the life of a person, so his psychological state is assessed by the criteria that are applicable to people who have lost loved ones because of the tragedy, death, illness. The psychology of loss acts fully and in relation to the former spouses for a number of reasons:
- There is an internal "vacuum";
- changes the pace and rhythm of life;
- The routine of the day varies and the usual actions;
- There is a pity for yourself.
After parting, much changes for both partners. It is difficult to take it because of fear, unknown, non-obviousness of the closest future. The main thing becomes the question that will now be further.
Regardless of which reasons led to the termination of marriage relations, a person passes several stages of adaptation to new conditions. If the divorce caused pain, grief, then the recovery stages will be several. To go through them is important one after another, consistently.
- Full denial. A person does not believe that what is happening is a reality. Everything seems to be not happening to him, but with someone else, as if in a dream, and not in reality. The condition is close to the mechanism for shock - reality cannot be perceived as it is. Shock you just need to endure.
- Hurt and scary. This stage, when shock, which performed anesthetic function, retreats. The problem and the situation are collapsed by all weights. The pain is felt even at the physical level - someone hurts in the breastside, the head splits, and the old diseases are sharpened and articular, muscular, somatic pain appear. At this stage, a person does not see the future, he does not know where to go what to do, and this inspires primitive fear. Fortunately, this painful stage is usually not so long, and feelings are transformed into something else.
- Anger and hatred. This is unpleasant, even nasty, but inevitable transformation. Pain and fear turn into malice. There is a resentment, closely kneaded on rage, and sometimes on hatred. At this stage, it is possible to get sick, to save with high temperatures, inflammation of the lungs, acute inflammatory disease of any organ, if hatred is too strong.
- Forgiveness and hope. A person partially forgives and justifies the partner, finds a reasonable explanation for his position. The anger passes, but a sense of guilt and hope appears - suddenly returns, will regret his decision. The worst thing to do at this stage is to start looking for meetings with a former marriage partner. Stop the person is difficult: he is inspired by the prospect of getting rid of pain and grief in one fell swoop, just restoring the marriage relationship again. A person loses his self-criticism, self-control, becomes inventive and very energetic.
At this stage, many run to fortune tellers and magicians, begin to go to church and put candles for reuniting with a former partner. In most cases, this approach does not bring results. And the person passes to the next stage.
- Depression, decline. This is a completely natural state after emotional activity and done at the previous stage of work. The decline comes, a person feels himself in the abyss of loneliness, feels like a loser, unnecessary, in everything is guilty. Classical symptoms of depressive disorder can be observed: I do not want to eat, get up and go to work, while there is no desire to meet with someone, there are no goals, aspirations, joy. Having achieved the lower point of falling into an emotional peak, a person freezes, freezes and begins to slowly gain height - the next stage begins.
- Self-analysis. On the way out of the pit, a man seems to look at himself from the side - so he begins to see the reality that it is. There is no strength to be angry with her, the pain stumbled, there is no more anger. Well, if there is no resentment, but most often it is still present inside, related and disguised. At this stage, the ability to plan the future. A person can part with offend, fear and already find ways to arrange their lives further: chooses what to do, changes the hobby, makes new friends, it begins to go into the world, but it is still very afraid and with caution, risking at any time again "Losing a flight height again ", Flove to depression and start climbing again.
- Adoption. This stage is final. A person fully accepts and understands the accomplished circumstance. He does not experience malice and anger, said goodbye to the offend, he almost recovered wounded pride, plans, hopes for personal happiness, self-realization appeared.
To recover and recover, not to leave in the soul of life injuries only the systematic experience of each stage will help. Each of them will necessarily meet people who will convince what they need to "do not care", cheer up and live on the whole coil. But it is important to survive everything, without exception. New relationships should not start before the stage of complete adoption will be held not to make another big mistake.
All important solutions that need to be taken at a particular recovery stage will be dictated and caused only by those feelings that are characteristic of the stage. If a person is at the stage of anger, the new relationship or actions in the address of the former partner will be aggression, hatred and revenge. If he is at the stage of depression, then all the decisions will attempt to take loneliness, but they will not bring the result, because loneliness is still inside.
Only complete adoption and forgiveness ensure that a person has left a dark period of his life behind. Man is ready to get rid of the past and go on.
How to survive a divorce woman?
Women usually leave the emotional crisis longer than men. This is due to the peculiarities of the psyche of the fair sex. For them, the divorce is the strongest stress, as relations they give more values than men. Each recovery stage can be strongly stretched if a woman is a choleric or melancholic. Do not fall in spirit will be difficult, and it will not be possible to avoid this.
The most difficult for women are given stages such as hope and depression. During the turbulent activity, the woman is capable of any nonsense, which then she will definitely regret. At the depression and decline, it will be important to survive, that is, to make yourself take food, go to the shower and to work.
It is possible to complicate the situation of guilt - women often tormented themselves even for what they did not. This contributes to the presence of unfinished feelings for the former spouse, because if love has not passed, then it is more difficult to take each of the recovery stages. It may be painlessly to survive the divorce can only if it initiated it, and she left not in the "emptiness", but to a specific man who is now for her and is the whole world.
There are also their nuances in the circumstances of the divorce.
- After cheating. Divorce after the cheating of the spouse is burdened by the offend. A woman overwhelms outrage: she was betrayed, unfairly with her came. Treason is regarded as betrayal. Survive the period after the divorce is easier to help psychological practices for forgiveness, which there are quite a lot. It is important to forgive the ex-husband, let go of your offense. After the adoption stage, it is necessary to calm down and go to the arrangement of your own life.
- With child. Parting in the presence of children's spouses is always harder for a woman, because it falls on it with a huge cargo responsibility for the future of the baby. There is a public dogma, which states that the child needs both mother, and father. But there is no biological need for a father, as Nature is clearly indicated, in which few of the mammals of males remain next to the offspring after his birth. A woman with a small child after divorce is not just important to learn how to live one (do in everyday life without a man), but also live without looking at others. If there is a child, then the woman is no longer considered lonely. Children are very often helping easier to survive a divorce, because being distracted by their needs and classes with them, a woman is more smoothly experiencing severe outcomes for themselves from loss.
It is important to know that to forget her husband, as some ladies want, it is impossible. This man will remember all his life, as he is part of her personal history, biography. Therefore, after acceptance occurs, it is worth considering options for cooperation with the former, especially if there is a child. The failed spouses sometimes have excellent partners in matters of education of children and business.
How to recover a man?
Features of the psyche of men are less and more focus on feelings and emotions and greater concentration on their own future. Her and most of all men are given stages of shock and pain.
The first and second stage of exit from the situation for them is fraught with the departure, flight into alcohol, drugs. It is important to avoid this at the initial stage - then the steps will flow easier and softer. Do not think about my wife if the divorce happened on her initiative, it will not work. You just need to control your thoughts and direct them into a positive direction.
The man after the divorce is diligently looking for his place in life, overestimates the value system, analyzes and "decides on the shelves" his failed family life. The male semi is rarely characteristic of self-named - they with great enthusiasm are given to the stages of anger and irritation, since the nature is more aggressive. They are easier to blame in all his wife.
Search for new love, which some fall after the anger will go away, does not bring relief. Intrigues and random partners are the option of revenge, but it will not be easier for this. A man will help to cope with a personal drama work and a new hobby, communication with friends, but no care for the "separation".
To negotiate with the former wife about children, take part in their lives should only follow the stage of acceptance and forgiveness.
How to overcome depression?
Will the stage of the decline and depression of pathological, depends on the individual characteristics of a person. Charming, infantile, dependent people, for whom the very presence of a family is extremely important, may well become patients of a psychiatric hospital, if you do not understand yourself in hand and cope with the depressive state. Owners of a stronger psyche usually overcome a period with less loss.
If depression arises exclusively as a response to loss, then experts speak of psychogenic depression. It does not need drug treatment, but only if no more than two weeks last. If the condition is delayed, it is important to consult with a doctor - the risks of the moment of passing the moment when the acute state becomes chronic.
If there were prerequisites for mental deviations, about which a person does not usually know nothing, then depression can develop with significant changes in the hormonal background, lesions of the structures of the brain. This condition is called endogenous. It needs medical intervention.
The depressive state is more often developing in women, but it is more difficult to treat it in men. Men's nature does not allow crying, express emotions. Men are more restrained, so they "drive" their experiences and resentment so deeply inside that it is possible to get them from there only a qualified psychotherapist. Men often deny the presence of depression, refer to poor mood, fatigue. They often develop in chronic mental illness.
It is often impossible to get out of depression alone often - a woman and a man needs support for a close friend, girlfriend, relative. It is impossible to closes and limit your communication with the world, it is impossible to be silent - it is important to tell about your feelings "Assistant" - to the listener. Prophoving will help to quickly approach the adoption stage, the stars said are not so big, and the insults through speech are pronounced and go.
At the stage of depression it is important to maximize its life: every hour should be painted. Work, reading, walking dogs, classes with a child, going to the store - you need to plan everything to the smallest detail. No matter how much you want to regret yourself and stay a little longer in bed, cry and look at one point, you need to raise yourself in time, make it warm up, going to work.
Do not violate your plan, no matter what happens. This is important for creating a space where everything is clear and predictable a few steps forward. This is exactly what is so lacking a man with a depressive disorder.
The more a person affairs, the less time will remain for negative thoughts. If it is not at all possible to make yourself do something, and such a fortune lasts more than two weeks, it is necessary to contact a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist for appointing adequate therapy.
It is important for a person to overcome depression again to appreciate himself to appreciate, love and respect. First of all, it is worth abandoning pity for yourself. If there is an opportunity, then you need to take leave and go to the sea, the sun, in the mountains or go to visit.
What is better not to do?
The answer to this question can be formulated by several rules that are desired by divorced spouses to print and hang on a prominent place.
- Neither women nor men after the divorce should flood the mountain with alcoholic beverages. For a while, they give the illusion of relief, but while the person is in a state of intoxication, the psyche does not handle information about the divorce, there is no move forward from stage to the stage. Thus, alcohol is a faithful way not only to get alcoholism, but also to extend your suffering, to make them unbearable. In the same way there are also narcotic substances.
- Do not allow yourself to regret yourself and others. "The poor" and "bad luck" are not about you. Friend yourself with your or someone else's filing is the right way to go into black and hopeless depression.
For each fournal thought about his person, you need to immediately pick up a motivating idea. We must try to make the actions bring joy to others. Such an approach will help return a self-esteem.
- It is not worth scolding a former partner and disseminate negative information about it. This is especially true of intimate aspects of personal life, some secrets that a former husband or ex-wife would like to preserve in secret. Miscellaneous will pass, and complete adoption will come. But the reputation will be applied due to unpleasant statements about the partner, and the former will be difficult to establish partnerships in the future. Respects worthy both regardless of the causes of the divorce.
- No need to humiliate, you should not try to return the partner at any cost. About 15% of pairs after the divorce after a while again converges. But it is not necessary to hope so much, and even more so you should not pursue the former (formerly), sly to him (s) in 300 posts per day, including at night.
No need to demand a "serious conversation", promise to lose weight, pursuer, do everything as he or she requires. A person has the right to be itself, and not the one who wants to see another person. You need to keep respect for yourself.
Life after divorce
In women, according to statistics, the exit from the frenched state takes from 1 to 2 years. Men cope with experiences and make a decision to start living re-earlier: after six months or a little more. The consequences of divorce are usually rarely negative. If the relationship was painful, pathological, then divorce is good. It remains only to wait a little, realize it and live on.
To establish your personal life after the divorce is usually possible in 2-3 years, some - earlier. According to statistics, up to 75% of women from 20 to 30 years old, up to 52% of women from 30 to 40 years old, and even up to 20% of women from 40 years and older, re-entering marriage or civil relationships. Men are more in demand - up to 95% of divorced men create new families regardless of their age.
The main thing is not to be afraid of loneliness, do not blame yourself and keep offense on a former partner. It is always easier to arrange your life to those who think easily and positively.
Tips for psychologist
Psychologists advise to perceive time after divorce not as a period of catastrophe and collapse, but as the beginning of new features that were previously unavailable, impracticable. All horizons are now open - you can choose anyone and start moving towards the goal.
Marriage is an important part of a person's life. But after all, not all life is friendship. There are goals, creativity and professional achievements, there are travels and communication, children and joy to see how they grow. Many live a happy and rich life and without marriage. Using this, it will be easier to take a divorce with the idea that life did not end.
Age should not be a stress factor - and after 40 years, and after 50 divorce, although painful, but gives all the same advantages as the divorce after 25 years. The main thing is not to be afraid to live and do not blame yourself.
