Everyone heard that learn to forgive very important and necessary. But one thing to talk about the need and the benefits of forgiveness, and completely different - to learn in reality to forgive. Anyone who at least once tried, knows that forgiveness is very difficult, laborious and not always happens on the first attempt. You should know about the basic difficulties of this process and own some useful techniques that will help achieve the result.
Can I forgive any insult?
Psychology on this question has only one truthful answer, which is not doubtful. Deep, strong, bitter, small - absolutely any resentment can and should be forgiven. Even the fact that a person considers betrayal, what at first seems an incredible, breaking life on "to" and "after". Another question, whether a person wants to forgive? Unfortunately, many are completely useless to convince, persuade and frighten the dangers of long-standing offense for life and health. They do not want to part with their insults, they are not configured to forgive anyone. Years go, the resentment is wary and multiply, the person diligently "refills" them in the soul. Then falls ill, fails, falls into trouble. Again does not make conclusions and continues to "feed" offense. So it will continue until it swallows it entirely - oncology, death.
Forgiveness makes it possible to free yourself, freeing the other. Get rid of the resentment - how to get rid of heavy cargo and easy to go further. If you choose this path, you will have to try to master all the wisdom of forgiveness. Very often, people are shyless to forgive, fearing to choose soft, unsubage. There are certain public dogmas that say, for example, that to forgive the changed wife cannot be, which once betrayed, betrayed and again, that unworthy of the forgiveness of the enemies that bred on the most holy. Under the action of dogmas, a person refuses to even make a thought of forgiveness. But if you discard all the conventions and dogmas, then you can easily understand that all sins they are narrated, can also be forgiven.
At all, it is not necessary to speak to everyone and the offender that you have forgiven it, it is not at all necessary to demonstrate your generosity, it may look like posterity. In addition, this forgiveness is not always a real, sincere. It is enough to forgive the other in the shower, let go of the cargo within myself. That is what we need to learn. Resentment is one of the complex feelings. It consists of anger, disappointment, insults and pity for their person and is a response to some event, a person, a deed, words that contradict our expectations.
The insult is never positive, it always is only destructive.
A person believes that he is unfairly offended, he regrets himself, he is outraged and depressed. Irreversible circumstances, when nothing can be changed, cause the strongest, deep offenses. These include the facts of betrays, betrayal, child resentment for parents. It is impossible to return and replay these situations. But you can change your attitude towards them. None of the people are born with the ability to experience insult. Newborns do not know how to be offended. In congenital emotions, psychologists include only fear. Careless actions can be scared, you can cause physical pain, but it is impossible to offend the baby.
This complex cocktail of emotions, children learn from adults, copying their behavioral and emotional reactions. And usually by one and a half years already know how to demonstrate insult.
Before learning the ability to forgive, it is important to be able to identify the types of resentment. It is demonstrative and hidden. The first is a reaction that needs a person to achieve something. It is also called manipulative. So children force parents to buy a toy or give sweets. So often offended women and girls. It is always displayed at the bottom. The second is very dangerous, because a person hides her, closes, hardests, not trying to change anything.
Resentials can be directed to a specific person (on her husband, to his wife, on a friend), for a group of people (on colleagues, on ethnic groups, on all women or all officials), for the whole world, for higher strength, fate and on themselves Self. The most difficult in the process of reflection and forgiveness are insults on themselves, peace, higher strength and all kinds of hidden, carefully hidden offensions.
Why are people offended on each other?
If you are offended, it means only one thing: not someone from the outside came and offended you, and you yourself allowed themselves such a response. This means that the insult you have created yourself. You and eliminate it. To understand why this happens, you need to know how resentment arises. The mechanism of complex feeling is very simple, it does not depend on whether anyone wanted to offend you or everything happened spontaneously. The resentment is always the actual inconsistency of your expectations and reality. Psychoanalytics distinguish four basic actions that make a person in the wings for a fraction of seconds before testing the insult:
- Creating an illusion, expectations (as a person should do, what should we give the world, how everything should be that us completely satisfied);
- Observation of reality (as events actually develop);
- Comparison of expectations and reality, detection of differences between the first and second;
- An informed solution to issue a response to discovered nonconformities.
There is no difference, the insult of what type or type is developing. The described mechanism is equally fair and accurate for any situation: be it a family quarrel and a disadvantage on a particular person or public conflict and a resentment for a whole team of people. On any of the four stages, a person can take the situation under control, and then the resentment will not happen. The ability to decompose any offensive situation into four stages is the right start of working on their negative feelings. These four actions help better understand how and why an offensive situation has occurred, why you are tormented by an unpleasant feeling.
Now, knowing that the insult is just your reaction that exists only in your consciousness and more anywhere, you can begin to take responsibility for this destructive feeling and try to let him go. Is the husband guilty that his wife was offended by him? No, because the decision to offend she accepted herself. Is life unfair, alone giving money, and good work, and without giving it another? No, because the decision to take up to life a man accepted himself. Anger, disappointment and other emotional nuances that accompany our experiences when we make a decision to be offended, - also our, personal, to us with them and understand. Understanding this usually reduces the level of claims. It comes to understanding that it is not so necessary to wait until the offender matures until apologies: there is no need for them.
To forgive, only our own desire is required to cancel your own decision.
How to learn to forgive?
In addition to the avengers who do not know how to forgive anyone and nothing in principle, there are people who are experts in the field of psychology refer to the category of pseudo-positioning. Such people though they say "forgively", in fact, in the depths of the soul, everyone remembers and ready to reproduce the offense at any time and throw anger on the offender. If you are firmly intend to learn to forgive, get rid of negative feelings, then work on internal errors can not be avoided. You can cope with the offense only after it will live, adopted, analyzed with mathematical accuracy. After that, you can let go of the insult, get rid of it, remove from the soul what is so painful.
Work on yourself will not be simple and pleasant. Perhaps you have to know something new and unpleasant about yourself. But the deliverance is worth it. Let's start with the fact that we will estimate the four mental thinking processes taking place before testing the offense and will be answered honestly for a few questions.
- What were my expectations? Why were they so? Were there any reason to build such illusions?
- Why did a person succeed exactly as he did in reality? What were his motives? What did he want? Did he know about my expectations?
- Are there any differences found by me between expectations and reality?
- Why do I need a resentment created by me: I want the offender to change his actions, I want to get something, I want to stop relations with a person at all, and the resentment is needed as a reason?
Think about what your requirement is worth it. It can be ridiculous, unreasonable, dishonest, overestimated. No one in the world is obliged to comply with someone's expectations. Credit with an unpleasant feeling, literally poisoning your life now, forgive the offender will become much easier if you give honest answers to these questions. Consider several common situations and ways out of offended state.
Muga
Despite the fact that the spouse or beloved person promised to make you happy, he is still a separate person. He has his own interests, plans, views and opinions. He promised you happiness, but did not say that happiness is in your hands. Will you save relationships with a man after his actions that have deceived your expectations and requirements, or prefer to part, does not affect forgiveness.
You need to forgive anyway: it is not necessary for him, namely, to live on with a light heart and a normal health state. Remember the good one inherent in this person: pleasant events and moments, situations in which a person opened its best sides. Put yourself in his place and try to determine its true motives. Realizing them, thank the person for everything beautiful, which was, and let go offense. Exhale it. Disable it to return. Perhaps it turns out not from the first time, but will definitely work out.
Children
The resentment for children among parents is found very often, and they are usually incredibly strong and destructive. The gown child lives his life, pays his mother or father less attention than before, and it is not surprising. If you take a sheet of paper and pencil and honestly record the answers to all of the proposed questions, it turns out, most likely that the daughter is not to blame for everything, but the higher the desire to keep the child by hand, control his life. The requirement is unreasonable, because the child has grown and now he is ready to hold his own children by the hand.
The motives of the son and daughters can be very creative: work, studies, creating your own family. Most children also do not know which expectations of parents are built in their heads.
Tell your child what you would like to see him more often what you need his help. Refuse unreal and outdated installations and expectations-requirements. Remember the good: as the daughter did the first steps, and the son brought his first five. Mentally bless the child, let us get offended, let in the heart of love. An excellent way of psychotherapy at home is a family photo album: it allows you to return mentally in good past, visualize positive.
Colleagues
Relations with colleagues can be of varying degrees of tension. When working with such insults it is very important to determine immediately, you are offended by someone concrete or all your work collective entirely. In any case, follow the scheme. Analyze: Why did you actually wait for colleagues? How should they contact you? What should have you been done for you? How to proceed? And they knew about your internal requirements? How sensitive these requirements do not infringe the interests of others?
A simple example: you are offended that the colleague piled all the work on you on the eve of the New Year holidays, and herself escaped to buy gifts to children. First, it does not know what kind of requirements for her behavior you have. Secondly, she has good motives: gifts to children. Finally, your colleague has repeatedly reversed you when you needed to remove from work. Remembered? Thank mentally my offense for the life lesson, wish the colleague to successfully choose gifts and release the insult.
Similarly, it is necessary to disassemble the conflict situations in the team. For any conflict there is a mismatch of expectations: the team was waiting for you alone, and you did otherwise you were waiting for something concrete colleagues, and they did it all the opposite. After determining the motives and positive features of each of the colleagues, it is important to let go offense. And only after that decide whether to work on the team further or just leave a place and find another job. Whatever the decision, it is important to forgive.
IMPORTANT: In any situation, if any insult, remember that it is impossible to hide this feeling, not to be worn, it is impossible to fight him and deny it. This will not bring relief and creates a threat to the accumulation of anger and pity for himself, which may cause the development of somatic diseases. When working with each insult, you need:
- recognize the fact of having a feeling;
- take responsibility for the insanity exclusively on yourself;
- divide it into four components;
- Replace the entire negative in the analysis on positive feelings.
Psychological techniques
In psychotherapeutic practice, several methods of working with insults are widely applied.Method of Sangenious Thinking Professor Orlova
This method was developed in 1993 by Professor Yuri Orlov. Sangenically called healing thinking. As part of the method, it is described how to achieve forgiveness by the replacement of pathogenic thoughts on healthy, positive. According to this technique, teachers work today, her theses are studying students of medical universities in order to use in medical practice, it is recommended to everyone who works with convicted people with disabilities. The method includes the following steps:
- self-surveillance (recording in a notebook of daily thoughts, a description of the senses than more about Read more);
- determining the validity and nature of their claims and expectations;
- Evaluation of reality and evaluation of the nature of resentment.
The task is to visually show the difference between expectations and reality and learn to replace the negative in reality to a positive.
The goal is to take reality without claims and preliminary expectations, the complete acceptance of the world and people, an understanding of their actions, actions, motives.
Portrait of offense
This method was created in the past century by Soviet psychiatricians to help overcoming stress and resentment to people who were subject to violence for a long time were in the traumatic situation. Today, the method is widely used to establish psychosomatic causes of oncological diseases, excess weight, obesity, cardiovascular diseases. A person is invited to draw his insult. There is no difference, whether he can draw well or does not know how to completely. Drawing allows you to bring out from the inner world to the fact that a person usually suppresses and hides.
Be sure to write down or voice answers to certain questions.
- Where she settled (in the head, heart, in the kidneys, in the stomach or elsewhere)?
- What sizes does it have (big or small)?
- What is its structure (it is liquid and overflow, solid and stuck, looks like a cloud of gas and almost a nausea)?
- Is it cold or hot?
- Does she have a color and smell? What color is it, what smells?
- How old is she (how long have it appeared)?
- Why is it exacerbated in what circumstances does it happen?
- Why does it exist? What is its goal and the task?
- What advantages she gives (maybe it protects from communication with someone unpleasant or dangerous)?
- What will be the resentment (holiday, feast, wires on the platform)?
- What will settle in this place instead of her? Determine the positive feeling that should live where there was a resentment.
We will especially focus on the last point. Create a psychological anchor. For example, imagine a large and yellow fragrant orange that you have given in childhood for the new year. Each time the resentment will return, reproduce its smell in memory and image. Gradually, orange and a sense of joy will displace negative traces of resentment. Figure with resentment portrait burn or burst at the end of work.
Technique "Chair"
Popular and very effective technique, which is based on talking with an offender is trusted. But instead of it, in front of you will stand an empty chair or stool. You can spill on the wrath of anger and offense in the literal sense of the word: shouting on it, kick it with his foot, spit into it. Having live negative feelings, you can say goodbye to them.
"Court"
Let me go much much easier if all the details of the resentment are worked. Collect the trial. Speakers the prosecutor: name all offender crimes, blame him. Perform a lawyer: Protect the offender, justify. Become a judge: weigh the arguments and have to forget.
About how to let go of the offense and forgive the person, see the next video.