The statement that the jealous necessarily loves, does not always correspond to reality, because jealousy is different, it is caused by various emotions and feelings, has different motives. Understanding the mechanisms of jealousy, knowledge of her species and the consequences will help not only unmistakably identify the pathological jealousness, but also will give answers to questions about how to cope with this unpleasant feeling.
What it is?
Jealousy - the phenomenal quality of the psyche of a person, the origin of which scientists are still arguing. In psychology, there are quite a few definitions of this feeling, but none completely expresses the whole of the fact that the jealous man is experiencing. It is believed that jealousy is a bright emotion, expressing the need to preserve the sole possession of anything. The authors of the women's novels and the director of the series are familiar to romanticize this feeling, but in fact there is nothing sublime - it is In essence, a sense of property, exacerbated under the action of certain circumstances.
Jealousy gave a lot of man. Thanks to this feeling, people have formed the Institute of Family and Monogamous Marriage. At the dawn of mankind, this feeling was protected by a tribe from blood mixing with the neighboring tribe - men subconsciously, without possessing any knowledge from the field of psychology and psychiatry, who were vigilantly protected women who were considered their own, from encroaching strangers. Nature has created such a mental mechanism in order to preserve the unique features of the tribe, its DNA.
Based on this, the jealousy of the spectrum of its emotions is very similar to what they feel deceived. Woman is jealous of a man, feeling the threat of the loss of the "resource source" for himself and its offspring.
In the animal world in the species in which males take part in the cultivation of a cub, females are also prone to rather aggressive jealousy. If the males do not participate in the raising of children, then jealousy female animals never experience.
Men's jealousy is usually similar and always goes next to the feelings of their own imbalance and inferiority. Men nature is given a certain thirst to rule, subordinate, win. Therefore, he begins to jealous when he feels that he can lose, lose control and power.
Let's finally dispel the myth about the romanticity of jealousy and decompose it into the components of the emotion. What is our jealousy:
- Fear (lose something significant, stay alone, lose);
- Anger, anger (on yourself, on a partner, on a possible opponent or rival);
- offense (on himself, on a partner);
- pity;
- anxiety.
As you can see, nothing romantic and pleasant in this is not in the list. There is no love, affection, tenderness, sexual attraction. Jealousy does not always occur at a loving person, and a loving does not always feel in this feeling. Thus, jealousy can be attributed to ancient, but rather destructive feelings. There is nothing creative in it.
In a certain amount and the form of jealousy, everyone has. Even small children demonstrate something similar to this feeling when the usual relationship with mom is under threat (for example, at the birth of the second kid). This psychological reaction does not apply to congenital, but is considered genetically determined, and it is characteristic of all representatives of the human race.
If it is adequate, normal, moderate, then harm does not cause a jealous, nor his partner nor his health. Destructive forms of jealousy are capable not only to ruin the relationship of a person with the surrounding and world, but also can cause serious mental and other diseases. The mechanisms for the development of ailments on the soil of jealousy considers psychosomatics.
Specialists in the field of psychology are confident that jealousy is often the cause of oncological diseases, heart disease and vessels, kidneys, as well as a wide range of reproductive health violations: from inflammatory diseases to idiopathic psychogenic infertility.
Jealousy Excessive and pathological occupies one of the leading places among the causes of family conflicts, divorces, as well as menobide and a manulus.
What happens?
Jealousy of jealousy - Returns. Psychologists allocate several species of this feeling, all species have their own character, the degree of danger and pathogenicity.
From understated self-esteem
This is the most common appearance. This or that degree of understanding of self-esteem suffers from every second person. Insecurity is also peculiar to almost everyone. At the price of certain efforts, a person creates self-esteem, but it is very fragile, varying. His man tries to protect throughout life. Naturally, in the case of a potentially dangerous situation in which self-esteem can collapse finally, it reacts zealously.
It is not even important for him that he has or no feelings for a partner - it's important at any cost to prevent the situation in which he will look like a mixture in the eyes of others. Such jealousy is often completely without love, although the revision itself sincerely believes in approval "jealous - it means he likes."
Such jealousy inherent in people who survived the difficult childhood, those who tolerate punishment, humiliation, could not build normal constructive relations with peers. Adults with such past are usually very wounded, offensive, sensitive.
The jealousy of this type of verbal attacks, insults, reproaches and ukrai appears. The jealousness of this type may well change their second halves, but they don't see anything bad in their own actions, since the victory "on the side" only contributes to the strengthening of their personal fragile and not quite a full self-esteem.
Proper feeling
This is also a fairly frequently found scenario of relationships. In the emotional spectrum of jealous, the fear of the loss of property prevails. For him, a wife - property, like a cat or a dog. Often, the mother is so jealous: if the attitude towards the son is owned, then the maternal jealousy is sent to the daughter-in-law, and sometimes on the friends of the grew child, which can no longer be only her property. It wants to belong to others.
If a person perceives the other as property, he values them, because on the reflex level, the mechanisms for the occurrence of pleasant emotions from the possession have already been developed. But everyone who can pick up it, it automatically takes a strong anger and even aggression from the jealous. Often, such jealousy lives as the strongest resentment, the objects of which are also jealous of, and the one who dared to take away property.
Love in such jealousy is present, but material, rational. Very often, such a jequinist can resort to revenge, ugly and even forgive acts, and also inclined to the physical punishment of the offender and its own "object of adoration and possessions." Men with such a type of jealousy can be quite cruel.
The state of an abandoned child
This very delicate view of jealousy. It is usually closely connected, according to psychoanalysts, with a shortage of attention in childhood. If all the love or most of her part of her brother, sister, stepmake or stepmother, the child can grow with a tremendous fear of the loss. It is this fear that underlies his jealousy. But from the previous species (proprietary), such jealousy is distinguished by the lack of attitude towards a person, as something only his personal. The man is just paniciously afraid of losing close.
It is manifested by episodes, and when the revolution receives his portion of love and attention, he calms down for a while, ceases to torment himself with guesses. It is such jealies that are better than others know how to forgive the facts of betrayal if they actually occur. They are ready to accept someone else's presence in the life of a partner, just just did not throw them themselves, remained with them. They are anxious, indecisive, never decide to make a disassembly with the manual design, will only sometimes remind of their jealousy weak and quiet ukrahra.
Morality
Not a drop of love in such jealousity does not happen. The jealousness is not even so much jealous how much does not have that he actually feels to his partner. Obviously one thing - the partner does not suit him something, and there is a huge need to change it (her), to influence him (it). But it is impossible to do this directly, and therefore a person falls into a zealous state, which is a projection of his own confused and unresolved feelings and problems.
Surprisingly, the Moralizer revision does not want to get rid of his jealousy. She "Pots" his egoism, she needs him, she is part of his character.
Sadism
This is a pathological jealousy, which very often accompanies some mental deviations, as well as irrepressible craving for alcohol or drugs. There are many paranoid. This is a disease, not love. The purpose of the jealous of the only one is to completely suppress the other person, subordinate it to himself.
Very often, such jealousy is unreasonable, the evidence of the partner's innocence is not accepted by the revision into account, it is jealous simply because the humiliation of the partner gives him a sadistic pleasure. Develops gradually. At first, such behavior is even approved by society. It only warms the feeling of his own right in the jealous. How can jealousy-paranoia end, it's difficult to say. She does not pass by itself, does not decrease.
Such a form of relations may well arrange the same as described above, the "abandoned child", which will even like that he, being absolutely submissive, remains next to his native man.
Brad
This is a typical pathological jealousy - a variety of the most dangerous states that are often becoming the causes of murders and suicides. Blind, manic jealousy can develop from any of the above species, but only under the condition that the person has certain mental prerequisites for this. The evidence and common sense is unnecessary, it is confident in the fact of infidelity, betrayal. He does not want to hear and listen to any arguments.
At first, the jealous enjoying his suspicions. He is delivered to the masochist pleasure. There is no difference, whether there is a fact of treason, - in any case, the jealousa will be satisfied with himself (if there is no betrayal, it exhales himself easily and praises myself for vigilance, and if there is - he praises himself for the insight and sharp mind). Then the suspicion becomes little, they cease to rejoice, you need to increase the "dosage" of experiences - so appear, unrealistic reasons.
Then a person ceases to hear any arguments and begins to suspect a partner in the fact that he makes something plotting against him, wants to poison him, for example.
Pathological jealousy is very rich in manifestations: from surveillance and espionage to stormy scenes "on scratch", from blackmail to restriction of freedom of a partner (closing it in an apartment, a total ban on communication with someone), have a manual test, violence, sexual violence and cruelty. Pathological jeques need qualified psychiatric treatment, and if they refuse it, then they need to be kept at a distance to preserve their own psyche, health and life.
Good or bad?
Jealous man is not the best characteristic. It is unlikely that someone will consciously begin relations with a partner, knowing that he is a big jealous. But at the initial stage of relations, it is usually very difficult to distinguish a normal, characteristic of all from time to time, jealousy from a sense of pathological, irrelevant. The zealous attitude is quite destructive. It adversely affects the one who is jealous and on the one who is in the position of the victim. There is no big difference, what kind of feeling, the consequences can be negative.
Jealousy is able to break even strong relationships. It can be a manipulation when the jealous wants to achieve something, and unpleasant scenes can withdraw even a calm person. The accumulation of negative emotions, which occurs in both participants in the process, gradually can lead to the development of psychosomatic diseases. It is quite difficult to live in a state of stress. This means living with great restrictions. The trust is important for normal relations, respect for each other, initial emotional equality.
Some advise to use jealousy for good, that is, sometimes manipulate it to revive the feelings that began to fade, light the light of interest in the eyes of a partner. Sometimes this feeling really has such an effect - after reconciling, the feelings flashes and the relationship in the pair "come to life". But this temporary effect. Each time the pair will be required increasingly strong on the emotional color of "Shake", a small jealousy will become a little, and this will be the beginning of the development of the pathological condition dangerous for both.
The statements that jealousy can help recognize true love, generally sound absurd, especially since we already know that these concepts are almost not interconnected. The only plus that can be considered in this psychological process is the tendency of some jealies to turn energy on themselves.
Jealous, they begin to increase their own value in the eyes of the partner: buy flowers, lose weight, throw drinking and begin to put signs. But this happens, unfortunately, infrequently.
Psychological reasons for jealousy
Jealousy may have a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are not even realized by a person, that is, there are only on the subconscious level. Let's deal with where jealousy is taken from.
- Personality disorders (in particular - narcissistic and disturbing). In the first case, a person is convinced that he is beautiful, he has no equal, he does not allow situations in which his authority could suffer. In the second, the opposite is the opposite, the fear of failures, the future.
- Low self-esteem. It may be such since childhood or to appear under the action of certain negative events, collars and failures, after which the person develops the painful perception of his own person, uncertainty in their abilities and dignity, distrust of people.
- Neurotic disorders (Head injuries, some other disorders of the central nervous system).
- Physical disadvantages and reduction of sexual functions (variety of jealousy is low self-esteem).
- Protective mechanism of attack (Jealousy - manipulation, whose task to distract the attention of the partner from its own change, switch his attention to the conflict, make excuses).
- Big difference in age. Pathological feeling occurs every time between partners a misunderstanding of any sense arises.
- The experienced experience of betrayal, treason. The more traumatic and difficult was the recovery period after the upheaval, the greater the likelihood that a person takes his existing negative experience on any subsequent relationships and will refer to a new partner with caution.
- Hard childhood (Love deficit from parents).
The development of jealousy contributes to personal egoism, overestimated self-esteem, addiction to alcohol drinks and drugs. Even if a person threw a drink or take drugs, he was treated, he has an increased risk of a violation of reality perception in the future. Pathological jealies among former alcoholics are quite a lot.
Signs
Unfortunately, to recognize the pathological jenerty is quite difficult at once. It can be a very charming, smart, read, educated man or timid and shy, passionately in love. Options for behavior before the start of inadequate reactions - hundreds and thousands. But there is one trait, according to which it is possible, even indirectly, but try to guess about the increased tendency to jealousness. This is a bright imagination, sexual fantasies, as well as a certain tendency often to return to the same thought, its obsession. It is such a set quite often and launches a person in the psyche modeling situations of treason, regardless of how much the occasion was for this (and whether he was generally).
Revision partner recognize very simple:
- He accuses groundless. Any signs of attention, even far from intimate, on the part of the surrounding representatives of the opposite sex are perceived by a person, as a hint of sexual contact of his second half on the side: a colleague to the house, the old friend called, lingered in the entrance, talking to a neighbor - all this becomes The reason for reproach. And if the partner was delayed at work or did not take the phone after he began to call, is a reason to clarify relationships.
- Attempts to control. The manifestations of this feature may be different: from questions about who and why I called why so late, where the partner goes and with whom to the real espionage with the phone, correspondence on social networks, the studios of workers and business connections, friends and acquaintances. It is important not to miss the moment when the jealousa will try not only to check, but also to establish its rules, manipulate - prohibit go or go somewhere, prohibit communicating with old familiar or colleagues outside the workflow.
- Scandals and scenes. Here the symptoms can be a great set. Some suffer meticulous digging, others - a loud hysteria, the third generally prefer the public scene of jealousy in front of neighbors, relatives or acquaintances. There are those who shut and goes into themselves, long and demonstratively offended, limits communication and sexual contacts.
In relations with jealous, it is important to know that the main goal is to cause you a feeling of guilt. Even if you have nothing to confess, the Ajulter was not, then you, in the opinion of the jealous, should repent of the fact that you gave reason to doubt and suffer. Do not play it in this. Calmly and seriously explain that there is no reason for experiences, you have nothing to blame. If this is not enough, do not humiliate, do not enter into conflict.
It is possible that the jealousa has already crossed the face of the norm, and now he needs not your humiliation, but a qualified psychiatric treatment.
What does it lead to?
If jealousy is not an easy role-playing game that spouses started by mutual agreement to gain more acute sensations, then there is no point in talking about some benefit. The jealousness always destroys the relations and identities of people. Those who experience this negative set of emotions damage themselves, they have a dream, they are unable to adequately evaluate reality.
Slotting, espionage, suspicions take away so much strength and time that a person forgets why and for what these relationships initially began and whatever thought.
Reside under one roof with jealousness painfully for the second side. That is why the partner tired of accusations submits for divorce. Suffering adults can not serve as a positive example for children if they are in the family. Scenes and scandals are injured by children's psyche, besides there is a high probability that the child will take the basis of the behavior of one of the parents. If an example becomes jealous, then in its own family such a child will practice suspicion and insults, and if the victim becomes an example, then the growing child can be avoided any relationship and family creation, not wanting to become a victim.
At the physiological level (if said in a psychological aspect does not convince) we note that:
- At the moment of severe jealousy, the person experiences emotions that increase the level of vasopressin hormone in the blood (its task is to improve and strengthen blood flow to the muscles during the period of physical exertion);
- Revenue has more adrenaline and endorphine;
- Exceeding of these hormones increases the likelihood of stroke, heart attack;
- With a long condition of jealousy, anxiety increases;
- The development of stress hormones becomes constant;
- increase weight;
- Functional disorders are observed, infertility (stress hormones suppress partially developing female and male genital hormones).
What is the difference between jealousy from a sense of property?
When your property (what you consider your own) risks to be captured by someone else, there is no time to parse the situation. Search for differences in order to understand that this is a sense of property or jealousy, no one will become. Nature provides only two options for action: to give or fight for your last sigh. Therefore, knowing the differences is desirable not even the riser itself, and to the one who became an object of jealousy.
A sense of ownership that speaks in jealous, usually does not exclude the concept of love, but the love of this specific: the partner does not even think to give you freedom of choice. If the partner decides everything for you and only puts you before the fact, then it is most likely a sense of property. The partner who leads the fear of losing his own, not love, is distinguished by an increased irritability, when the property becomes uncomfortable (makes it or says something that he does and speak no way).
Loving person never deprives partner:
- the right to choose;
- Voice rights;
- Self-esteem and dignity.
Everything else is a merciless struggle for the right to possess.
How to get rid of it?
If you are jealous and have already come to the conclusion that it's time to get rid of jealousy, you are at half the way to success. It is to take this fact that is the most difficult. Or rather, take responsibility for jealous experiences - you created them yourself.
Look carefully on yourself, on your actions and words, accusations and reproaches from the part. Put yourself in the partner's place.
Usually it helps the method of replacing negative thoughts and images for positive: for example, every time inspired insidious and vigilant thoughts in the address of the partner, remember one good event from your life together, one happy, previously lived day. This will help displace fear and resentment, replace them with gratitude, joy and recognition in the address of the partner.
If jealousy acquired signs of pathological, and the jealous of nothing to do with it does not want and can not, the second half has only two options: either to endure and expose their life at risk every day and an hour or leave. It is possible to stay with a person and then you can only under one condition: he agrees to visit the psychiatrist, the appointment of treatment, since such jealousy is qualified by specialists not as a fault or character trait, but as a "paranoid-delusional personality disorder." There is a lot of professional methods: from drugs to hypnotherapy, which can facilitate the state and reduce the negative manifestations of delusional jealousy. It is impossible not to treat it - the state is progressing.
In order to defeat jealousy, until she became a mental illness, you need to follow the advice of psychologists.
- Stop any actions that do not contribute to the interests of your love (abolish tracking, effort will should stop reading messages and social networks partner).
- Work with fears. If there is a fear to stay alone, increase self-esteem, start new friends, get a dog, find an interesting hobby. If there is a fear of staying without a particular person as a source of some benefits, learn how to get these benefits on your own (go to work, improve the qualifications, put ambitious goals).
- Stop comparing yourself with others. Comparisons only enhance the sense of inferiority. You are a unique person. And the partner chose you.
- Take active actions to improve relationships (avoid conflicts, spend the weekend together, normalize intimate life, it is useful to have a joint hobby).
- Be honest with a partner. Just talk, calmly and thoroughly, with trust and respect for each other. Do not rush to do nonsense, give a partner a chance.
- Learn to forgive. And yourself, and partner. It helps to cope with negative emotions. If even your suspicions sooner or later confirmed, the ability to forgive will be very useful and will help to cope with disappointment.
About how to overcome jealousy, see the next video.