Jealousy is one of the most ancient feelings inherent to man. At the dawn of the birth of civilization, this feeling allowed to create tribes: jealousy and the aggressive reaction of males did not allow other representatives of the strong sex to continue the genus with representatives of this flame. Then jealousy led to the formation of a monogamous family. But this an ancient feeling does not leave us alone and our contemporaries, and in one or another situation it is felt almost everything, regardless of gender, age, social status and profession. In this article, we will talk about how to cope with this very difficult feeling and stop being disturbed by yourself and surrounding suspicions.
What does jealousy lead and why it is so important to fight?
Jealousy in our life is not limited to love relationships. There is a jealousy of children, there is jealousy to friends, colleagues. Any of these species is characterized by a strong emotional "storm". Feelings of one who is jealous may be different in the nuances; In general, any jealousy is always built on two main feelings: At the fear to lose something (love, the object of this love, its own significance, authority and weight) and on anger aimed at the object, which "attempts" to this personal, belonging only to you.
Whether it is necessary to say that anger, and fear are destructive feelings, which gradually destroy the person and health not only who are jealous, but also who becomes the object of jealousy. This is especially noticeable in the case of paranoid, unhealthy jealousy, because of which murders and suicide are often accomplished.
In psychology, several types of jealousy are distinguished, each of which is dangerous in its own way. The modern Ukrainian psychologist Daniel Puertas, who summed up the works of Sigmund Freud and other famous specialists and brought their theory in one concept in the simplest and accurate wording.
Paranoid jealousy - The state of mental disadvantage, paranoid-delusional disorder of the person, in which the jealous man is bluntfully confident in treason, and it can also assume that the classifier is regularly trying to poison him or get rid of it in other way.
Narcissical jealousy - A condition in which the jealousness is afraid to lose the object of love, as a component of his own personality, is a greater extent manifestation of huge love for himself, and not to another person.
- Psychopathic jealousy - The state of psychopathy, very dangerous for all participants in the situation, is characterized by the unpredictability of reactions of jealous and spontaneity of anger attacks.
Masochistic jealousy - suffering for suffering. If there is no treason, "sufferers" comes up with and regrets himself, without showing aggression, but trying to cause pity all around.
Schizoid jealousy - It is characterized by little motionable people who are in their own way to maintain the ideas about treason in their own way, as it gives them a clean conscience to maintain a distance from a partner.
Hysterical jealousy - Always concerns exclusively physical, sexual treason (fictional or real), while the feelings of the senses of love and affection is not related to the world, that is, the jealous of the jealousness is concerned about the fact of possible bodily treason. Proceeds violently.
- Ossential-compulsive jealousy - "duty", suspected internal obligations. Most often formed because of the ideas imposed in childhood that it is possible to show love only when certain conditions have been met (the lessons are learned, the room is removed). It is manifested by a tedious, daily ritual: check the phone partner, find out who wrote to him, where he was.
In modern psychotherapy, there are several types of jealousy by its emotional color. The type determination is very important in order to understand how to help a person get rid of destructive thoughts and behavior.
White - Not pathological, not painful jealousy, peculiar from time to time to every mentally normal person. It has no aggression, excessive suspicion, obsessive distrust, dangerous behavior. The jealousness is adequate, listens to the voice of the mind, to the arguments, facts. Often, such jealousy allows you to "refresh" a relationship in a pair, especially if they last long.
Blue - Jealousy with signs of increased anxiety. If you do not help a person, it can be transformed into a neurotic disorder. It is manifested by a violation of normal perception, attacks of tears, depressive moods, sleep disorders.
Green - on the verge of mental pathology, since the idea is gradually reborn into obsessive. Most often proceeds against the background of an already existing neurotic state. In 20% of human cases, it is possible to "return" into reality, in the rest - jealousy is reborn into pathological.
- Red - the most dangerous, pathological, paranoid. Accompanied by nonsense, while a person himself does not distinguish fiction from the truth, and his absurdity considers the only truth. It needs psychiatric treatment, often with the use of medicines.
The main danger of any type of jealousy lies in the fact that the existing relationship is destroyed, the life of the rebelliousness itself is collapsed, and the one who becomes his "victim". Please note, in statistics of divorce deliberation takes about 30%, and destroyed relations, including often and because of the jealousy of one of the partners - up to 45%.
This an ancient feeling, if it does not curb it in time, can undermine human health. At the mental level, paranoia, schizophrenia, on psychosomatic - oncological diseases, violations of the organs of vision, hearing, can develop.
But even at the initial stage, long before the development of the disease or mental disorder, jealousy causes physiological changes: The man begins to sleep worse, his appetite suffers, he becomes more scattered and inattentive to everything that has nothing to do with his jealousy, and it is painfully related to any little things that can have a relation to it.
How to overcome groundless jealousy?
If your plans are not included in the divorce, parting, room in a psychiatric hospital for treatment, and you also have a certain idea that you will need to follow the partner to find evidence of his infidelity, it's time to think about how to get rid of this unpleasant and Hazardous feeling.
Since male and women's jealousy has some differences in mechanisms and manifestations, elimination recommendations differ for those and others.
Guy
Men's jealousy is very often directly related to the affected self-esteem. That is why the destructive thoughts are told about that someone else can be better in bed, can earn more. The most reasonable way out of such a state for a strong floor will increase its own self-esteem. Sign up into the gym, bring your body in a good shape, change the job for more interesting (and perhaps better than paid), find yourself a hobby that will get rid of an excess adrenaline: jump with a parachute, go to the mountains, fly on paraglids . If it is unacceptable for you, find less extreme hobby, the main thing is that it raises your value in your own eyes.
If the feeling of jealiness arose due to the presence of his own negative experience in the past (she had previously changed a friend or wife), it should be judged by healthy and understand that your current companion does not have anything to be completely obliged to pay for the actions of your predecessor.
Think, because she chose you exactly, not the other. This means that relations with you mean more than it may seem at first glance. Women are more tied to the home hearth, to the family, and change, according to statistics, significantly less often men.
Stop suspecting it, check its mobile phone when it is in the bathroom, read its messages and rummage in the history of sites visits. If she was looking for an answer to the question of how to become more sexual, it does not mean that the girl decided to increase his sexuality for someone else. With a big probability, she does it for you.
About everything that worries, it is better to openly talk. This will help bring confidence in the relationship that women are very and very appreciated, and personally will help you to get rid of groundless jealousy. It is also recommended to apply the methods of psychological protection against new attacks of jealousy. They are that every thought about the possible infidelity of the girlfriend, a man, with its inherent in rationalizing thinking, you need to find at least three logical arguments, the argument of the fact.
For example: "She was not exactly delayed at work!" - Logic arguments may be such: "Her organization at this time does not work", "I saw it coming out of work ahead of time and goes in an unknown direction", "I know for sure that she was with her lover!". If there is no evidence of such arguments, nothing to worry about. For each statement, it is always worth bringing to yourself against yourself: yes, she was delayed, but she warned that she would come later, because she had to go with a girlfriend to the store or call to her mother. Trust the partner. A rational male brain always try to adhere to the "presumption of innocence."
If nothing helps, and the jealousy literally poisoning your life, and you, in turn, are trying to drink it all on the companion, it is worth a honestly to her, and in this in this: psychotherapists have many ways to help with pathological jealousy without reason.
Girl
Feature of female jealousy - in the hypertrophies of internal experiences. Even normal, "white" jealousy may well cause a fair sex at the representative of the beautiful gender to rummage in the phone of his partner, to get to the truth. Here, the main thing is not to rearrange, since the woman from normal and moderate to pathological jealousy is one step.
Women's jealousy is most often associated with the feeling of the threat of a family hearth. It seems to her that the usual way will definitely collapses if the husband comes down to the "left", and just as in men, the situation has influenced self-assessment.
What to do - the question is not easy. Start better with improving self-esteem: make your favorite hairstyle, update your wardrobe, lose some extra kilograms, find yourself an exciting and interesting hobby. This will help not only distract from unpleasant thoughts and suspicion, but also will increase your value in the eyes of a partner.
For women, the negation method is very well suited. For each own negative thought, a woman simply should argue that nothing like that really is not, and it's just a mind game.
Talk to the partner. Adequate and loving man will be able to understand your feelings, as well as it will be able to dispel doubt. Avoid surveys, a huge number of calls per day with the requirement to tell where the man is now what he does. And certainly you do not need to dig in his car or the phone: attempts to control will definitely be seen, and then you already fall into an uncomfortable position.
Try to plan more collaborations: From the campaign to the store together (you can not convey a package with products to the trunk, it's hard!) Before watching a football match for a mug of beer. We are more often wondering what is interesting to a man, learn to distinguish rugby from basketball, show him that you really like his hobby. And then the degree of confidence will grow, and there will be less reasons for suspicion.
What if they gave rise?
All of the above concerned jealousy is unreasonable, not having soil. But what if there is a reason or how do you think he is? In this case, it is very difficult to cope with unpleasant sensations. Let us immediately explain that the reason for jealousy may be objective and subjective. In the first case, the speedy reason to suspect the wrongness is in certain oddities of behavior (removed the ring, it does not take on friendly attacks and meetings, it tries to avoid intimate intimate, often delayed, familiar saw him with a stranger, does not come to sleep, in the car obviously someone Drives, besides you, as the seat is moved away in an unusual way, etc.; in the end, you yourself saw a partner with an opponent (rival). Usually there are several such reasons, their strength is in aggregate.
Subjective reasons are your personal conjectures. You are confident that the partner changes only because he is delayed at work, although they also know that he has a non-normalized job. You think that treason can only be because sex in the family has become less; At the same time, it does not come to mind that the partner may have problems, including health, that he can actually get tired.
It is very difficult to distinguish sometimes objective from the subjective. But the way out of the situation is not so much:
stop "cheating yourself", refuse suspicion and accusations, overcome their negative emotions and replace them with positive;
Start looking for concrete and irrefutable proof of treason.
In the second case, you will receive good reasons to stop jealous if the Ajulter does not find its confirmation. But this may be expensive to you: a partner who learned about distrust can break with you all relationships.
Whatever the reasons you were given, they differ from the facts with their twoness and illusiveness. For each of them you can find a second, logical explanation that has nothing to do with treason at all. If the relationship of the road, to spoil them with a partner there is no desire, then it is better to try to cope with jealousy, without joining the path of "self-taught detective".
There will be some simple installations in this:
No one must comply with your expectations;
Everyone has the right to personal secrets, personal space and their own free time, even if people are married, because marriage is not a prison;
The jealies quickly lose respect for the partner, and with the departure of such an important feeling, as respect, there is no love, there is no other way.
If you often repeat it and not to do what can destroy trust and respect, it will not be so difficult to stop jealous, as it seems. If there is no suspicion of suspected, it is impossible to trust, there are other difficulties in relationships, it is better to contact a specialist: a psychologist or psychotherapist in person. It will be good if your favorite (beloved) you also attract help to help yourself, and openly ask for a person to support you in this difficult business - the fight against jealousy. In this you are interested.
How to stop jealous of the former?
Quite often, and after a while after termination of the marriage or termination of relations, the former spouses continue to warm up the jealousy of each other at a distance. It is rather not even jealousy, but a small "revenge" for the one that hopes did not come true, the relationship did not take place. At the same time, one of the partners puts his new relations at the bottom, it makes everything that the former half knows that changes have occurred in the personal life of the former. The desire to show her (to him) that you are not so bad that he (she) understand what kind of fate is lost, it is understandable and even naturally.
Why does the second partner "begins" on this and starts to jealous almost truly? The keyword here is "almost". This is not so much jealousy, how many insults, inexpensive, incompleteness of the former relationship; A person is offended not that the former partner met the other, but the fact that "to him, so good, so quickly found a replacement!". This is a cry of vulnerable pride and nothing more.
Cover with such a form of jealousy is quite simple: Realize that you feel the insult, and still understand that this insult and there was a goal of the former who showed you his new life. Do not allow manipulation. Stop suffer and deal with the device of your personal life, which will allow me after some time to give and former several hours of unpleasant emotions about the fact that you also have everything perfectly.
A completely different nature of jealousy to the past of man. It is especially difficult for men and women who associate themselves with a partner with a partner who has children from former marriages, and which supports friendly relations with former wives or husbands.
Doubts in this situation are not always groundless. To build strong relationships with such a partner, you need to be sure that the relationship "there" has ended. Unfortunately, former spouses often continue to meet from time to time and join intimate contacts either simply on old memory to talk for a glass of tea. Sooner or later, such protracted "nostalgia attacks" ends, but do you need to wait and suffer? If the relationship is not completed to the end - the former often call each other, often rewrite, meet - it is necessary to place everything in its place and wait for this period at a safe distance.
If the partner does not give rise to jealous to the former, and its meetings are limited to meetings with children, besides, you have a serious relationship, you should not control the partner, you do not need to ban him to communicate with the same family. It is unworthy, low and wrong. To cope with jealousy will have quite often, but it is quite possible to defeat it. All misunderstandings in this case will help solve a confidence conversation.
Never compare yourself with former partners of your loved one. You are different (other), and if he (she) chose you now, then this is a reason to stop the flow of obsessive thoughts and leave alone and partner, and your own psyche.
How to learn not to jealous friends?
The so-called friendly jealousy is a phenomenon among adults and independent people is not common, it is usually characteristic of children and teenagers. If an adult is jealous of a friend or girlfriend to another common acquaintances - this is a sign of psychological and emotional immaturity , by virtue of which a person is simply "stuck in childhood." The attitude towards such friends is usually always sympathetic and a little pitiful, as they regret the unreasonable and capricious child. If the friend starts to "capricious" a little stronger, then pity is replaced by irritation and the very fact of friendship is put under a big question mark. Many easier to remove such a person from the circle of communication than to tolerate his whims and jealousy.
Think about everything, if suddenly feel the offense and bubbling inside a zealous feeling, if your close friend, saying nothing, went with other friends on fishing, picnic or at sea, and you (the closest person is still from kindergarten!) I did not put it. Friends are not obliged to each other. They are not obliged to speak where and with whom they go where they want to spend the day off. Do not carry a feeling of jealousy to such attitude as friendly.
A completely different jealousy is the jealousy of his halves to the existing friends. At the same time jealous and to their comrades, and to partner comrades. It is very easy to play and become a real tyrant, which will interfere with joint campaigning of friends in a movie or to the club, meetings of classmates and classmates.
Understand your partner will not be happier from what you dope from him all acquaintances, and you can only replace it with all the necessary spectrum of communication. Leaving a partner alone, you risks that one day he will leave from you: it is no longer used to the losses. In addition, he will always blame you in the fact that he has no communication outside the family circle.
In cases with jealousy of friends and friends more than half of success on the way to stop being unhappy - this is the understanding of the wrongness and unnaturalness of what is happening. If you understand that it is impossible, it means half you are closer to the goal.
Learn to mentally put yourself in place of your comrade. And in this case, the situation may look completely different. This method will require a certain skill, psychological training and patience, but the results will not make himself wait. Getting rid of jealousy - the process is gradual.
Never press the weak points: "We have experienced so much with you together, and you ...", "When I was bad, because I helped you!". Sincere and real friendship does not need such reminders, a friend is appreciated not for specific assistance in a particular situation, but just like that - all entirely, with all actions and statements.
If you have become a victim of friendly jealousy, try to convey all these thoughts to the jealous And also clearly designate the limits of permissible. Do not blame yourself, do not let a friend manipulate your life in which you have the right to decide what and how to do.
Tips for psychologist
If you are tormented by a feeling of jealousy, the advice of professional clinical psychologists will help him. Imagine them in brief.
Honestly admit that you are "sick" and treat your jealousy how to death, which will have to cure.
Be sure to try to find the cause of your feelings. If you can not find a motive yourself, contact a psychologist or anyone you trust to tell everything and find reasons together.
Clearly understand what feelings are owned by you in the attack of jealousy: offense, vulnerable pride, anger, fear or other feeling. This will help control your emotions.
Learn to treat yourself better: Improve, learn, change the job, image, learn to like yourself in the mirror.
Clearly plan your time, try to borrow yourself. Idleness - fertile soil for a variety of obsessive thoughts.
Make positive adjustments to a relationship with your loved one. Remember that anger generates anger, and total control is the desire to run. Try to share good emotions, and in response will receive the same that ultimately will help increase the degree of trust in each other.
How to cope with jealousy and how to treat it, you will learn from the video below.